i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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