Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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