Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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