I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
