I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
