my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Randomize
