Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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