Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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