then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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