I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
