did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Blood and glitter go together right?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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