wanna go halves on a baby?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
