I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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