I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
