He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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