my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
