Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
