Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
