I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
