dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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