you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
