I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
