Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
