I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
