My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
