the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
