He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
