i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
