I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
