I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
