It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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