She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
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