I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Randomize
