i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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