I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
