Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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