I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
