I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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