Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
