Jerry, you need to find god
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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