I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
