He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
