i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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