So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
