I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
