peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
