If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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