I cockslap morals
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
