Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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