I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
