I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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